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Monday, June 28th, 2004

Subject:Catharasis
Time:9:32 pm.
Mood: scared.
I dont think I've felt the way I do right now, ever...
I've never been alone, so scared and timid
I dont know what has come over you
I dont know who destroyed that beautiful innocence
I dont know who I should murder and who I should spare
I wish I had answers but the silence drives me further to madness
I can only shake in fear and fall
I know I cant control everything but I know you
I pray this is only an illusion of my disorientation
I pray you will be as you once were
They say it all gets better one day, maybe
Death is so much easier
I love you
Even if you dont love me too

-----------------------------------
I waited for you
I died inside my own head
And I'd die again for you

I'm faded and tired
Completely uninspired
And I'd die again for you


So kill me with the love that you won't give to me
And pack the wound with salt I want to feel it bleed


I'm searching for reasons
To keep away the demons
And i'd die again for you
I wish you were near me
Could feel it when you hear me say

I'd die again for you


So kill me with the love that you won't give to me
And pack the wound with salt I want to feel it bleed
You wanted me to crawl so now I'm on my knees


Why's it always have to be me
That's always left out to burn and
I'll never learn
kiss me to death.

Thursday, May 20th, 2004

Subject:I love you- I hate you- love n hate
Time:6:19 pm.
Mood: jubilant.
If you THOUGHT you were horny, trust me you got competition- lol
NouNouCollapse )
12 killed me - kiss me to death.

Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Subject:Is that even possible!?
Time:9:04 pm.
Mood: worried.
So I get into my marketing class my teacher isnt there he is late... I'm up for a very interesting evening.. He started talking about our marketing presentations that are like 40% of our grades!!! Anyways he complained about some groups and hailed others but then he started talking about I dont know a whole bunch of stuff and started passing out the grades and whatnot--- he's like each member was graded individually- correct. I was expecting a B, honestly cause thats is what I felt I deserved anyWAYS he hands me my paper and says good job-- I got an A! I got a 37/40---I WAS SO FUCKIN HAPPY XDXDXD!!LIKE speechless, and then when the other memebers got their marks, they were fuckin like upset and shit and then they asked me what I got and I told them they all got fuckin mad, started whispering to one another and moved away from me...Umm okay I can understand your mad, but lets recall WTF DID I DO?! Anyways whatever I was FREAKING fuckin out and whatnot that my grade would be taken away from me, I EARNED IT... THEY ARE ALL FUCKIN self-centered dicks who were pretty much mean and whatnot to me the whole time till the END, and even then they treated me slightly strange "the reason we put your name at the end of everything is because we're the guys and your the girl"... WELL FINE FUCK THAT I GOT THE FUCKIN A- WHO'S ASS U KISSIN NOW EGOTISTICAL MAN...oye that was bad comming out of me but I honestly dont mean bad for them, we just got what we deserved

Anyways at the end of class the group members (5 guys, recall I'm the only ONLY girl) and they're like can you come with us to talk to the teacher... I was like guys first of all---If you are UNHAPPY with your grades, your talk is NOT with ME but with the TEACHER. He is the one that PASSED JUDGEMENT on your work not me, if anything you should NOT be unhappy because of what I got but rather of what you DID/DIDNT earn...I just left class and ever since I've been WORRIED LIKE FUCK... HE CANT JUST CHANGE MY GRADE BASED UPON THE TALK OF OTHERS--- CAN HE, CAN HE?!... I mean honestly... I just talked to my dad whom of which I pretty much never mention but he was amazing he was like no he cant changed your grade~"The teacher gave it to you and if he has a problem and whatnot then HE'LL come and talk to you about it and you EXPLAIN yourself as to what you did------ and that ALL the members AGREED to their share of work and even if you did LESS or MORE you AGREED, why is it now that they come and complain"... so yes thank you daddy for being there when I needed it <3<3<3

I really hope nothin bad happens, honestly, I'm scared so much about my grades I really need this to make it, to transfer... I also got an A on my english paper, so yeah Its motivation to work harder and do more and better and yeah Im really worried... Not too hungry but I want to eat, I guess I'll cook n whatnot... Please hope nothing bad happens to me, I'd never wish anything bad upon you or anyone, if you know me you know what im talkin about...
forever grateful<3
dstroyedangel
13 killed me - kiss me to death.

Sunday, May 16th, 2004

Subject:rapture tastes so sweet
Time:3:09 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
sooOoOoOoOo

oh gosh yeah I was right about yesterday Tavit was gettin to the point of something serious, and I kept trying to push it away in various ways and he didnt notice it and whatnot, I dont want him to tell me that he loves me- I was really afraid he would but he didnt but I know he feels it and I know he's real close to sayin it too...All I know is that I'm not the girl to say it first, to me its strange cause I mean we've been together for like basically 6 months and he hasnt said it so it makes me wonder but I'm comfortable with the way things are. I mean with valentino and my other ex's I swear before the end of the first month we'd be saying it to each other and stuff and I wasnt and its not that I'm scared of the l-word, I'm scared of the love cause of him, I dont know if I want him to love me. So many times when I leave I always say to my friends I love you, and I cant say it to him, via voice/email/text or anything and I have to watch myself cause I have almost slipped so many times. Its not a whole frontin or drama act and whatnot but its just I dont want to push things further than they already are... Even though I was slightly disappointed he didnt feel as deep for me as I felt for him but to me its ENOUGH that I know I love him...that is enough- <3<3<3
hImCollapse )
9 killed me - kiss me to death.

Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Subject:you know what you can kiss...
Time:7:53 pm.
Mood: worried.
I fuckin hate my marketing group, they all hate me cause I'm the only chick amongst 5 guys. They decide to exclude me from everything and then complain I dont do ENOUGH. Well excuse me, let me know whats going on--- they're all like friends so if someone is absent or something they let each other on whats going on and whatnot, if I'm missing its MY FAULT even when I have reason to be absent... I know they're all smokers they're all on my fuckin nerves they cant stand me anymore than I can stand them... WELL FUCK THEM! I distributed the surveys, I compiled the data I offered to make graphs but they did them without me, I offered to look up data but they did it without me, so I distributed surveys, compiled the data, did the whole powerpoint presentation (did I MENTION THEY took it and made it all froo froo as if I did SHIT) and then some other dude wants to do the whole FUCKIN presentation... I dont know I may have my patience but I really feel they're pushing it. I swear if they all gang up on me and make it look like I did shit I'm gonna kill em, which looks like what is going to happen. My presentation is on monday...

Anyways this is something I'm plannin on doing this summer
PierceCollapse )
4 killed me - kiss me to death.

Subject:---Sigh---
Time:4:20 pm.
Mood: content.
Well well well...
Friday was a drag, a cross between working, talking and being addicted to the internet!!! yAyNESS I ate burger king not necessarily cause its my fav but I love their frency fries-- I mean I could nonstop eat those till I died and whatnot, apparently humans cant live without fat, well only those models who smell food and feel sadly full *Shrug*

Yeah so I talked to tavit last night for a lil bit after he got off from work, yes more family drama from him he didnt even tell me what was going on, I feel bad for him I really fuckin do, he's been an adult since he was like 14. I mean we all depend on our parents in some way shape or form but him--- I swear hes been independent at 14 so yeah at 18 I guess its starting to fuck with him mentally, I can imagine its like, where was my childhood and my youth? I guess there isnt one...Or if there was, its too far away *hug*, He's a man and like I'm so proud to be his girl...<3

So Calculus honestly was FUCKED... I dont even understand what the HELL is going on anymore I'm just copying whatever he's writin on the board Im so lost its like air going through one ear and going out and somehow comming back in as to recycle itself-dont ask. The quiz was alright, I think I did pretty well cause it was on the stuff I studied :)... Yeah so I got back from class and I wrote tavit a long email trying to explain whats going on in my head and maybe comfort him a little. I didnt mention when I got out of the shower this morning I nearly slammed into the ceramic floor and had I- I prolly would have cracked my skull or broken a good couple of bones, I feel some pain I look at my leg 10 minutes later its dripping with blood- I wonder where that came from. Dont you feel like the wound HURTS only after you've seen it... thats strange

I went to the mall, cause I'm fucked for my marketing presentation on like Monday- holycrap its like 1/2 of my ENTIRE semester grade so if I fuck up-I'm FUCKED but if I do well I'm pretty much in the safe. So yeah I was lookin out for dressy shoes and skirts/pants- and since its like summer "lets get naked" season I couldnt find anything that was worth spending any money on there was this one skirt for about $25 a cross between a mini and knee length I didnt get it but I was thinkin about it and cute black flipflops (dressy) for like $20--- I didnt get them but im thinkin about it if I want them I'll go back tommorow... I also saw this cute ass bag for $20, cute pair of undies for like $8 and MUSTHAVE ecentrictop from Bershka $20... yeah I know Im glad I didnt trash my money but yeah I mean this is just one going out so imagine how much I'd spend everytime IF I went out and got what I want... eeeks, yeah ONE broke bitch I'd be...

Got some groceries, read some stupid magazines and OMG there was one book called "More Bushisms" I was rolling in the aisles and people lookin at me liek WTF---- BUT Check out some of the things he said:

"And there is no doubt in my mind not one doubt in my mind that we will fail"

"Neither in French, nor in english, nor in mexican"

"We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House"

"But if you've been laid of work you're 100 percent unemployed and I worry about it"

"Home is important.Its important to have a home"

"The reason I believe in a large tax cut because its what I believe"

"The thing thats important to me is to remember whats the most important thing"

OHH MY GOD... all I CAN SAY IS what a freakin idiot! I'm serious that is some of the funniest shit ever... Blah so yea I got my stuff, ohhh talked to some girly who worked at Bershka and told me about some place where I could get my hair done straight and it looked AMAZING on her and stuff- so yeah hopefully I'll get my eyebrows n hair done tommorow so I'll look not so ugly... Em yeah got some roasted chicken hmmm.... so YEA I get back to my room and apparently I got charged for somethin I didnt buy, that fuckin sucks and since its soo far its pretty hard for me to go back anytime soon and argue so its like uhhh whatever *hits self in head*... Yeah that roasted chicken wasnt the yummiest thing but I'm a carnivore, and yes now I'm a happy carnivore so now the animals may roam freely without fear, till I get hungry again... Damn I'm tired
forever grateful <3
7 killed me - kiss me to death.

Thursday, May 13th, 2004

Subject:stop glazing me with your lies
Time:11:04 pm.
Mood: awake.
Yayness for my new icon!! :) I actually made it so I'm proud of me... ummm yeah I was too lazy to go out today so this girl I know here danah decided to go out n get me some stuff I asked for ... :D! Emmm yeah I got lots of work and I have been doing some of it but then getting so easily distracted- which means yes Im going to go back for a bit and hit the damn books...

I've been having insane I mean INSANE mood swings lately and I dont know how or why the person that I'm taking it out on is the last person I'd want to hurt/crush or give any pain to yet I somehow seem to do it--- and the WORST part is that I dont realize what I've said/done till like after I've said it and I say Im sorry and it makes me look crazy. At least people when they say stupid things they dont say sorry to have some I dont know sense... but I say it right after and I swear if he doesnt think Im a psycho, well he has too. This mornin he was like everytime you get your "happy times" I'm worried your going to flip on me, hurt me or scare me--- So I'm stopping this madness, cause this is one of the reasons things fucked up with valentino- not that it matters. Sid is telling me that I think too much~which is true, so I'm going to try to keep some things to myself and be LOGICAL and wonder if I would have said the same thing 10 minutes ago....

So yeah... I just need some logic and self-control before I go around and speaking my mind... Oh yeah I was reading into the controversy of Michael Moore's new movie that Disney allowed him to make but not produce--- Farenheit 9/11... Its basically trashing pres Bush and yayness for that but even funnier is that Disney wont release it because it doesnt want to upset the Bush family and because Disney recieves millions of dollars in Tax benefits they wouldnt want to lose that... Lame excuse for not letting the movie out- its not a "family oriented" movie yet they'd release a movie like Kill Bill- Ironix eh...?! I cant wait to see this SOB !!! http://www.michaelmoore.com

btw the Evanescence vid OWNS, I read about it on mtv.com and damn she looks scary with blonde hair, I love her black tresses n gorgeous eyeliner. SHE IS SO EFFING BEAUTIFUL!!!! I think I'll dye my hair black at the end of the summer or something...
Forever grateful <3
15 killed me - kiss me to death.

Wednesday, May 12th, 2004

Subject:WOOHOO!
Time:3:49 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
I AM SO INCREDIBLY BEYOND HAPPY!!!! I WAS JUST TALKING TO DANA AND---> I JUST FOUND OUT MY PHYSICAL SCIENCE TEACHER FROM 9th grade well he was one of my fav teachers and I kept in touch with him on/off for awhile and I just found this out... He's gonna be in Houston this summer working with NASA!!!! so hopefully if I'm lucky I'll be able to see him!!!!!!
http://www.nasa.gov/vision/space/preparingtravel/ascan_bio_arnold.html
6 killed me - kiss me to death.

Subject:AUNT FLOW YOU HO!
Time:1:20 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
ma baby, didnt have that great of a birthday but yeah I tried to cheer him up by telin him my stories, I guess I did... Ummm at the aquarium place he got this sharky stuffed toy thingie it was sooo cute- he finally has a stuffed animal and ofcourse he was being funny by molesting the damn thing--- awwww, but yeah I'll make it up to him for sure when I see him this summer, I'll get him chocolate mousse or some cute cake n some candles n whatnot n give him his presents <3...YAY for salad on monday, I had a nice salad, damn I miss that...

Tuesday was emmm alright... I went to calculus class and OMG- I dont even effing understand what is going anymore like its SO beyond me so I'm kinda screwed studying n frustrating myself to figure some madness, I was never a fan of math but this stuff just pisses me off... Blah... Then em yes I came back and rested for an hour or 2 then started workin on my essay and finished it, I think it was really good blah I got into class late and didnt realize they were watching a movie and whatnot, yeah it was a strange movie I think it was called Catch 22... In basic summary army guys are depressed, confused and very horny... Blah... Oh yeah, I was singing like 30 minutes previously about aunt flow n stuff.. I swear THAT BITCH came immediately, its like damn you- I dont miss ya...so yea after english yeah this nice girl in the dorms was tellin me about a problem and I saw she got these cute shoes so I was like oh so how much did all that cost and she like blushed so I guess and I was like OMG are u okay babe?! Over $1,000 on 2 pairs of shoes and a bag, I kinda wished I would have raped the money n given it to my babe to see his mom n stuff, but whatever everyone gets their turn somehow- somewhere...
SO yes I was screaming like a pregnant lady and abused on pain killers and went to sleep early..eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :'(

I wake up at around like 6am on Wednesday mornin, talk to Toaster n Lain<3... Yeah then I fall asleep talkin to them as well its nice cause me n toaster say the same things as the same time and I guess its cause se have similar minds or maybe we're both on crack.lol...Yeah so Im up updating my journal, trying to feel better, I'm gonna go read some lit then rest it up again...Oh yes and I cant forget the chocolate now- CAN I?! I want cookies n cream ice cream n LOTS of hot fudge and crispy chicken sandwhich with mustard- yea I have weird cravings... now back to literature...
Forever grateful
6 killed me - kiss me to death.

Monday, May 10th, 2004

Subject:woah, amber is the color of your energy <3
Time:4:56 pm.
Mood: grateful.
Sooooooooooooooooo.... yeah I havent posted lately I've been a cross
of busy, sleepy and lazy. Very interesting actually, but yeah I am very busy
as of right now, blah essay, calc hw n needed studying, marketing research
proj n needed studyin, yup yup...

Saturday was interesting... this girl I know named Danah called me up and
like I dunno she's very ecentric and lively in this fun way, so yeah she
wanted Italian food so we went out and got some, it was alright not the best
but I was hungry~as always... emm then djgirl's mom was nice and she made me
lasagna yummm hehehe but I didnt eat it then I saved it for later- so yayness
for food! I know that seems to be the only ONLY thing on my mind but thats
not the case I just love food and I miss being taken care of and fed
emmm.... yeah so that was that I came back and took a shower and slept... it was like 5 pm--- so I woke up at about midnight and yeah did some math hw, talked to ma toaster muffin for a bit and yeah that was that...

Sunday well I did sleep the night before!!! YAY! Emmm yeah I wake up and Toaster just got back from work and whatnot and well yeah I was starting to talk to him considering we didnt have a decent convo for awhile then my friend kholoud well I havent talked/seen her in like ages tells me that her class got canceled (btw this is like 8:30 am) and she's like I'm gonna stay with you till 11 cause thats when my ride home is. Me being as sweet as I am ofcourse couldnt object so yeah poor Toaster slept all alone and me and her just being the girls that we are talked away... lol... em she was telling me about some depressing wedding with this huge bride and skinny groom and like slutty sisters and the bride was all religious n it was all depressing yet it was hilarious like dark humor, well it cracked me up... Yea so much for that...

I wanted to call my mom first thing on mothers day to wish her well and whatnot, but there was no effing credit so that sucked BIG TIME... so I just hung around and stuff- btw did I mention how COOL my english teacher is, he pushed my essay that was due on sunday till tuesday-- YAYNESS!!! Yea, anyways I call my mom to tell her Happy Mothers Day... I was really upset that Im too far to do anything grand and great or to spend the day with her, I mean honestly ever since I've moved to college I've learned the value of my mom- how much I care and love her and no its not because she used to take care of me but damn she has so much compassion and sensitivy and acceptance that it amazes me. I can only pray to be 1/2 as good to my children, like for real she used to be someone I'd "have around", I'd say mean things to her and walk away and whatnot, but through it all she NEVER ONCE gave up on me- EVER... I know everyone loves their mom, but my mom God Im so grateful for her there is no one like her, ever... I heart her soooooo much, I'm gonna suprise her and do all these things when I get back, yes flowers, various dinners/breakfasts and presents... she deserves everything...Its true you dont know what you've lost till its gone <3<3<3<3
I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!


I had lasagna for lunch and stuff then at night went groceries shopping, resisted temptation to buy crap--- yes!!! I bought some groceries but as ALWAYS I forget FORGET something I need like stuff to keep my hair from gettin frizzy n everywhere with this humid weather... Yeah I had Burger King- not hungry, just because...

I felt bad for Toaster though, his mom is like 1/2 way across the world and he hasnt seen her for like *gasps* 3 years... If you think you got it bad then you can look at his situation and strength and feel better about yourself, yeah he was telling me about his work that day and all the Milfs-- I dont get that whole "Stacey's mom got it going on" I'm kinda grossed out by it but yeah guys are different I guess. His coworker Carlos is OBSESSED with them like he cant even work properly when they're around, thats hilarious yet disturbing...but tavit he's too sweet he's working overtime to pay off last months phone bill so he can talk to me when Im there...<3

Yea, so before he went to work this dude named Chris is like his father's friends son--- well he's Tavits age but he is SUCH AN ASS... I dunno Chris wanted to look like "I'm the man or whatnot" and was talkin about all these Chicks and gettin commision for setting up certain girls with guys and shit--- thats gross he's like I think I've slept with over 30 chicks and couldnt even remember naming them all so Tavits like dude did u get checked for STD's cause you'd be damn lucky if you dont have any...N Chris was like yeah I'm fine this and that and just kept poking at Tavit with sensitive topics and issues of which obviously Tavit didnt wanna talk about so he'd give one or two word answers to shut him up- but he'd only ask more--- People like that dont care about you, they just want to know what they want to know... fuckers, I dont know if I knew somone like that I'd be all quiet or pretend I'd fallen asleep...

MOnday---
•.·´`•..·´`•HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAVIT!!•..·´`•.·´`•

YAAAAYY!!! Its ma cuties birfday!!! well Im really happy, but I feel really bad for him, I'll talk bout that in a bit... so yeah the morning is alright calculus was alright- I ACTUALLY CONCENTRATED THE WHOLE TIME!! I even stayed after class and finished most of the hw due on Tueday! Emmm I get back and start workin on my essay, no wait this is funny... This girl in my calc class shes like a friend, neways--- HER FRIEND TOLD HER to get an amazing tan by putting olive oil and lemon juice and spendin a couple of hours in the sun... SHE WAS BURNT AND CRISPY TODAY, when I saw her I was ROLLING for real... I'm like girl if someone told you to use butter and tan, would you do it... XD!!!LMAO Yup so...

Tavit woke up and I talked to him, and he didnt seem to happy, poor babe... Like I dont want him feeling that no one cares that its his birthday cause I fuckin care so much, Adrian is so dead with me he didnt mail the present he's doing it this weekend and I'm like ADRIAN WTF?! Adrian is having serious roomie problems and is about ready to start a fight, *hugs*...But I cant do anything, I dont know if I should just save money and mail him anything from here a few days late or just wait or what... Well he's going to some aquarium today and he's like I'm gonna be stuck with all these stupid teenies on the bus, I know how that feels and when you dont have "someone" to sit with you feel alone... I'll hope he has a good day if not then I'll definetely try to cheer him up tonight--- which means I HAVE TO FINISH my whore essay... n I got my marketing class in like an hour...
Forever grateful...<3
7 killed me - kiss me to death.

Saturday, May 8th, 2004

Subject:DISGUST ME...
Time:2:57 am.
Mood: angry.
I AM SOOO EFFING MAD.. for real, I cant believe there is so much pain, and hatred still existant to this day... I just found out what fuckin happened in IRAQ and I'm so fuckin mad, they say they go in there to deliever security, to deliever peace and to protect them- fuckin HELL no, they're out there messing shit up... their blood is paying the price for oil, oil they'll never have...

Now it comes out and they apologize, what if it never came out, what kind of human being could see such pain/abuse and remain SILENT... IT GROSSES THE FUCK outta me... makes me soo mad, and I just watched Rumsfeld bullshit APOLOGY- fuck you, do you think that can compensate for dead peoples lives, or dignity, do you think your mere lousy fucking "i'm sorry" means anything to their families and those who've lost their pride. Sick racist fuck, ruins the name of his people, and the representation of an already dysfunctional nation... Makes me so mad, and then you wonder where Bin Ladens come from, then you wonder where hatred can breed, its not hard to see America, its really not all that hard to see... Im so ashamed by their actions, makes me honestly sick to my stomach... I know many americans have no affiliation but its this sort of abuse and lack of dignity that created 9/11... I worry if there was hatred for america now its been multiplied endlessly. Those people responsible, affilated, associated should all be shot execution style and hell I wouldnt mind doing it....


If you havent seen the pics--- check them out there...(note: very graphic)
http://www.thememoryhole.org/war/iraqis_tortured/
8 killed me - kiss me to death.

Friday, May 7th, 2004

Subject:your my everything
Time:11:05 am.
Mood: loved.
HiMCollapse )
8 killed me - kiss me to death.

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

Subject:NOT FUCKIN FAIR!
Time:4:26 am.
Mood: pissed off.
Oh joy.... oh effing JOY... I go to check my mail and shit and yeah the university I wanted to go to in the Spring doesnt have spring applications... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck---how many times can I say that Im so fuckin pissed/sad... I cant believe this is happening to me, I was plannin on staying here till fall then going there in the spring- now what do I do....I dont know I guess go anywhere for a semester then apply for like fall 2005... FUCK THIS SUCKS SO MUCH IM SO UPSET....THIS JUST RUINED EVERYTHING... eeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I didnt do shit all day, I just layed back and stuff.. blah Im gonna go do my math hw and then eat... god I'm so pissed... I cant believe all this shit happens to me, whatever...
2 killed me - kiss me to death.

Tuesday, May 4th, 2004

Time:3:45 am.
Mood: depressed.
I always sit there, bitch and bicker about how misrable I am when I know that I have it so good I swear I shouldnt even be complaining, his bro is on warning of deportation for some fuckin gay reason cause he's originally french even though he's lived in the states for like 13+ years and has been married and has a kid- wtf?! Wait no he was on warning, he is gettin deported and the shortest period of time he can get back in the states is 3 years from when he leaves and anywhere between 3-10 years WTF?! I'm crying I cant believe how unfair life is---I've never seen so much pain, trouble and sadness in a family in my life, makes me cry...peace
5 killed me - kiss me to death.

Subject:iM hungry
Time:1:06 am.
Mood: irritated.
I'm doing better!! *jumps in joy*...
I've been talkin to lain quite a bit lately so thats been good as always she's trying to keep me sane and whatnot<3

Tara was also being darling and she gave me like some awesome advice, damn girly you can read my mind

**tarii says:
you're being totally rational,I understand what its like to want to leave him,because then life supposedly would be so much easier
you wouldnt hafta deal with loving him and everything that brings and wanting to make him happy and then failingthats one of yr fears i think, that you can't make him happy or worse that he cant make you happy or give you what you need
**tarii says:
but then you cant, cuz you adore him and he's brought a lot to yr life and you cant imagine not being without him,i think you gotta realise that yr more amazing than you think
**tarii says:
and you gotta trust yrself
**tarii says:
things will get better for you if you believe it
**tarii says:
you can go to that great school, make tavit happy, make yrself happyand have that perfect life
**tarii says:
i think yr just overaware of other ppl's expectations
**tarii says:
maybe ya just gotta think hard about what you want and how to achieve it
**tarii says:
at the end of the day it's your life. don't let anybody take it from you. they already have one.
**tarii says:
they can't have another one! thats not fair

yeah so that helped... I did some studying for that whore calc class- oh yeah listened to the Aceyalone album- Love and Hate and DAMNNN HE'S ONE TIGHT Emcee, for real...
Blah I also recalled having a dream about this one guy I was crushing sadly on for like 2 years and he was the popular good looking guy, and I was one of his good friends even though I looked pretty scary he came to talk to me bout problems and stuff he was genuinely nice and stuff and sweet<3 and then I dunno I dreamt we hung out again and he hugged me and stuff that was weird... BIG time... emmm yeah sooo I need to get back to studyin for calc... I'M HUNGRY!!!
Forever Grateful
1 killed me - kiss me to death.

Sunday, May 2nd, 2004

Subject:I havent been this scared in a long time
Time:10:55 pm.
Mood: distressed.
Thank you and lots of love to my linkin park soldiers and friends who're out caring for me, you mean the world to me...

Well after midnight insanity of checkin up on college's and whatnot I washed my face and sat in my bed thought of some religious stuff that cleared my mind and I just sat down and cried my heart out and talked to God. I know he listened to me, I fell asleep a few minutes later...

I woke up and I was alright, well I only got 2 hours of sleep I guess that doesnt count- I supposedly had a help session for calc this morning but when I went no one was there that was annoying!!! errrr... Then I went to check my mail since Tavits been telling me to go and check so I checked and yes I got mail :) That really did brighten my morning...n what are the odds but he asked me if I was alright... I was like yeah...

Blah the day was just spent doing not much hanging around, cleaning up and sleeping and yeah I dont know I ordered food and I ate like 1/2 of it and my nervousness came over me again and the madness is killing me, crying n on the edge of taking out the blade... Is something wrong with me, or am I being realistic?
This helplessness is part of my disease that chooses to consume me...God I just saw Tavit post some rhyme up on the message boards and I couldnt help but to cry I think its directed towards me...fuck this boy has got talent and I've just realized I'm gonna stay with him no matter what happens he can crumble me, destroy me, he's real

alright, now listen up for a check of reality
quit playing your fucking games and show yourself to me
you think im blind, de-railed, illusioned and decieved
when im the one forsaken regreted to believe
all the pressure crushes my crainium
about 13 thouand pounds of undeveloped titanium
living in my dark asylum my prisonish hell
murder 14 corpses and be the king of my cell
I propell into my fix of rendered time collapse
back tracks the spot of my final spinal taps
all you do is fake me, break me and take me
you mistake me, yet alone embrace me, escape me
dilate me, fornicate me, and chase me
I hate me, yet alone you hate me
you dont admit thee, you hide see,
keep thinkin that one plus one IS three
cause im a kamikaze, dear god me
I need some help, please get me to a facility
Your killin me, lieing to my face G
And I thought, we were together B
Boo, scared ya face and now you scared my life
Fucked up mistake and now i pay the price
This is not right, cant hide behind the light
Behind the curtain you put a good show
Ladies and gentlemen here comes the scum
Yet alone the bum, that lost everything they fought for
And now your with the rest beginning to start from scratch
You aint got the elements to start somethin new in the batch
You cant hatch to get what you had, to bad and so sad
stay in the bag and dont eject, shit whatever happend to your respect
project the mind and deliver the luck
everyone think of your past relationships and how it got fucked
-----------------------

Dont ever depend on me to follow through on anything but I'd go through hell for you and...I havent been this scared in a long time, and I'm so unprepared to here's your valentine, bouquet of clumsy words a simple melody this world's an ugly place but your so beautiful to me
7 killed me - kiss me to death.

Subject:WHAT IS wrong with me!?!?!
Time:6:01 am.
Mood: nervous.
I dont understand what the fuck is happening to me but I'm turning in to A NERVOUS wreck.. I've been nervous on/off lately for the past few days like crazy... I go get into bed right now and then ideas start fucking with me an I start panicking so I get online to do some college research as to see where the flying fuck I'm going to transfer... I only got MORE nervous as I thought that the potential university of my choice has closed its application and so I emailed them right now making sure and checking as to see what the hell is going on...IF thats bad enough I was crying in bed about losing tavit and now for some reason I want to fucking leave him and never hear or see him again, I feel like he's never going to get me anywhere- like he's never going to be anything big and great, that he's just going to only be a problem that I cant deal with that my family wont be able to deal with-- I dont know... Am I going insane or am I honestly waking up to reality and the responsibilities that I've been ignoring and leaving behind... I'm going to go insane I'm serious, I need someone to understand me, someone to talk to and someone who'll let me cry on their shoulder... I need help
10 killed me - kiss me to death.

Saturday, May 1st, 2004

Subject:what will tommorow bring...
Time:3:10 am.
Mood: scared.
well things have been weird since last night... I dont know I was doing fine and all, and then I dunno I was listening to 3eb which for some reason I totally missed. Tavit went to eat dinner and just burst, I just started listening and COULDNT stop crying and I was thinking about him... Scared to lose him, scared he'd really love me, scared I'd hurt him and put him up for disappointment alongside myself...

He comes back from dinner and he's like totally worried and wondering whats gonna happen between us. I told him nothing was wrong but he sensed it in my voice, he thought it was someone else but I told him there wasnt, he thought I wanted to break up but that wasnt the case either... I dont know I was worried like I love him with my everything right now and I was thinking about tommorow, about the future that he has to take things seriously, that he has to make something outta himself otherwise its gonna be hella hard for us be together. It'll be criticisms upon me from myself, upon him, from my family, from friends and so on and its not that they OWN me or influence my every decision but I respect and love them thats why I wouldnt wanna do anything irrational.
Its easier to say fuck it, then to care about other people, honesty... We just kept talking the night away and he was telling me about various chicks who like hit on him and the works but he pushed em away for me, I was all like XD!he's like when people are gonna as us how we met up one day what are we gonna say I was like linkinpark.com and we both were laughin, I really felt that he effing cared about me, I know he does and it scares me as much as it makes me happy. I've never been so scared in my life about something, I guess I just care so incredibly much and want this work. I know that no matter what happens, he'll mean beyond words to me cause I live deep inside of you...<3<3

I feel bad for my soldier, she's going through so much and I'm not even there for her, I'll try to write her an email in a lil after I do my calc hw... when I cried last night I knew how she felt and god it feels so empty, so horrible so lost so hopeless like nothing means anything and you just dont care anymore, numbness...I love you and no matter what happens you've got me here to talk to and I'm gonna help you through this I promise...

Thank you to ma skank da_shadysapien hahaha jus kiddin for helpin out- D12 OWNS!
TARA!!!tarii ty so much for my new layout babe...

If I'm killed by the questions like a Cancer, then I'll be buried in the silence of the Answer
6 killed me - kiss me to death.

Friday, April 30th, 2004

Subject:SOMethin to laugh at ... :D
Time:1:33 am.
Mood: jubilant.
Top Ten Way Saddam Hussein Celebrated His 67th Birthday


10. Entertained by stripper dressed as U.N. inspector

9. Visits from wives 1, 3 and 12 and Sean Penn

8. Arranged fleas on his chest to form number "67"

7. Thanked Allah he wasn't drafted by the San Diego Chargers

6. Wondered why Uday and Qusay haven't called

5. Spent a little time in the "spider-hole," if you know what I mean

4. Folded old death warrants into festive birthday hats

3. Cellmate popped out of giant falafel

2. Realized he's one year closer to going to hell

1. Pretty much just sat there
3 killed me - kiss me to death.

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

Subject:I cant save you, even if I try...
Time:3:07 am.
Mood: sad.


We live in the darkness in the shadow of the light because we want to carry the burden of truth

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5 killed me - kiss me to death.

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