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I really like this new vid/song from nin- the hand that feeds... nice arms;), but interesting message
Moving on............... have things gone according to plan NO!!! UGH, and money is tight again, everything here is money, money and more of it, not a bad thing necessarily but you have to evaluate what you need MORE and then challenge yourself for it... There was this sexy party lookin top that I wanted ages ago and they had more of it restocked yesterday, but I couldnt get it cause I wouldnt be able to henna, do the hair or the shipping crap... it was NOT mine to be, so whatever there will be others, plus I need to do other things... ugh yeah people here have been fucking shit- most of them that is like I ask for their help and assitance but no one has even called with the slighest concern or curiousity like I've done them wrong--- its messed up, I guess we've all grown apart and stuff... the girly from my stat class is actually gonna help me get the henna done today so FUCKIN YAY!!! I cant wait to do it, and then get my hair done !! :) then I'll be one sexy bitch and everyone can pay homage to me with chocolate and caramel syrup... yes I know Im getting carried away, Im just in a somewhat good mood for no reason, i didnt even have chocolate!
Ugh I hate packing, its official, in the future I cant keep moving every few months or so, maybe every couple of years cause this shit is back-breaking... Im not even yet so yeah I gotta fix on that mmmmm...
What else, its cloudy and windy today so yup its weird... I might MIGHT have fajitas and molten chocolate cake if I get the chance, I've been craving those 2 things since .... since.... november maybe? I think I should have it even if it is a bit pricey but whatever...
Altamash, yes he gave me the tool music left last night, I was out he left me an photography picture from his project- black n white of vegetables n wires (will post pictures later) and a shark that's named Susie--- trust me its brutal, he's interesting like that... But yup it was nice knowing him, probably keep in contact.
As for the remaining friends that I was close with well... heba is compulsively obsessed with nasim and lately when I've been around with him around its like Im not there (it rings the SAME bell with reem) and old friend that turned sour. So I guess its a good thing that I'm takin an early leave. As for the rest, blah, I think I will miss certain people for sure like Golzar, Naz and Altamash and yeah a few classes for certain and oh yes JAMES!!! eeeps... I dunno everything happens for a reason so all will make perfect sense later....I smell nice, my hair in particular... girly is comming to pick me up now... weeeeeeeeee~
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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
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everybody has asked why I'm leaving the trekkie fandom but the answer is simple: Some of you know who you are and why I'm leaving FOREVAR.
I feel so furious! someone at work found out I was into goth and I think that's why I got fired :-(.
it's so not fair that I have Friday off but nobody wants to do anything :-(. I'll just sit home alone and eat.
What sucks is that Why does ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) left_breathless keep posting images in their journal?! I keep telling them I'm on a modem! I'm going to unfriend them to teach them a lesson!!!!!!!!!!
da_shadysapien added another meme to their journal. GOD I HATE THAT!!!1!one!
the other day at school I got in a huge fight with peach4nc.
Oh and someone at work found out I was into punk bands and I think that's why I got fired :-(.
And also __________vague went around saying how they saw me backstabbing thanatos_dracul. If I get my hands on them there's paybacks!
I am so going to kick phospho out of the house. They keep on stealing my condoms!
fearofaname told me that 72sky told hybridxero and holly_a_go_go that they saw me talking to phospho and backstabbing kirkland. What a crock! If I get my hands on them they gonna be hurtin!
And also I went to gaming group with folks the other day but my character got killed TWICE :-(. I'm never gaming with them again!
Hey and know what? angel_dana said they wanted to go to the movies but they changed their mind :-(.
Hey and know what? shazyshaz15 told me that holly_a_go_go told people that they saw me talking crap about privatelyricist.
What sucks is that I am so going to kick just_jme out of the house. They wore my favorite anime shirt when darkxassilem and hauntinwhisper was visiting. I've never been so embarassed in my life!
I am so going to kick __nessa__ out of the house. They keep on stealing my tampons!
I am so blah! it's so not fair that I have this afternoon off but nobody wants to do anything :-(. I'll just sit home alone and write poems about death.
Oh and I don't know why __________vague went all psycho over me and tarii having a little fun.
What sucks is that Why does annalykewhoa keep posting images in their journal?! I keep telling them I'm on a modem! I'm going to unfriend them to teach them a lesson!!!!!!!!!!
This entry automatically generated by the LJ Drama Generator!
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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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Friday- I went to my aunts for dinner that was nice she made all this food and stuff… I kept telling her I wanted to marry a Japanese guy so that I wouldn’t let her have suspicions about anyone… She kept saying Japanese guys are really smart and extremely loyal *smiles* but yea, whatever I was pretty bored I mean no one my age and I just wanted to daydream about my love, so I just went to rest and stuff…
Saturday-I just chilled pretty much all day with my bro, yelling and screaming at each other haha. Then I went to this cultural souk with my cousin, aunt n bro. I got 2 pairs of these really sexy looking earrings and 3 glass genie-looking bottles. I wanted a belly-dancing scarf but my aunt kept telling me how whorish it was to belly dance and whatnot. It makes me sick how I have to lie into all of their eyes and act like nothing is wrong, lie and act like I’m okay, lie into their eyes and make them believe that the person they see is ME. WHEN ITS NOT! I am your cancer, I am your disease, and I am the thorn of your beliefs that will never recede. I had McDonalds with my bro that was alright…
Sunday- I slept in all morning, my parents were coming back from their weeklong escapade to Europe. I am honestly pretty pissed at them- I like heard from them twice the entire time. The only time I heard from my dad was when I went to Noreen’s place and he was yelling at me to get home early- that was it. He called my bro like endless times and whatnot- not that I care much but none-the-less still let me know what’s going on… Yeah so they come in and start yelling at me for not waiting for them at the airport and whatnot, wait I mean all my relatives would ask me if they called me everyday and I’d say yeah when I hadn’t heard from them in days! I’m sick of lying. My mom was nice and all she got me chocolate and candy *jumps in joy*, its like where were you a few days ago when I was in psycho PMS mode! Some relatives come over and my cousin was barely even talking to me so I just went to rest in my room- in the living room they were arguing about religion about how they were right and everyone else was wrong, I just wanted to SCREAM! Fucking IGNORANCE, get over yourselves. I got yelled at for being rude to my cousin- whatever, right?
Want chocolate !?????? mwahahahha
( Trouble )
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Saturday, July 10th, 2004
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Thursday.... I just chilled at home some cousins came over so we hung out with them and all. It was just good to stay and DO NOTHING...
Lain finally showed up, she gets online and I ask how she's been doing and she's emotionally wrecked... She has so much shit going on at home and I felt like crap for the way things have been going for her and I havent been able to be there. I dont even think I've realized how stupid I've been to the whole situation. She is going through SO much, false accusations, her mom being a psycho and her whole family extremely distant from her. I wonder how they can blame her into whatever person she has become when they ARE the ones that pushed her over the edge. I felt horrible, because I havent been able to help her, but I otld her that I am not AM NOT going to give up on her no matter what she thinks and whatnot. She is MY solDiah, I love you girl, have faith- have hope. I'm going to be there for you and we're gonna make it, dont u ever forget it. DONT u forget it...<3
Friday--- I went over to another of my aunts places. (I got like a gazillion relatives) she's really nice but sneaky in her own lil way. Ya so I was there, she was really nice and she made my brother n I dinner. I fell asleep thinkin on the couch...
Yeah I CAME home after that and my cousin came to sleep over and stuff, that was alright we just talked a bit and ate, she suprisingly told me she had a bf and hasnt told me in forever- I guess I am no better. But I'm not telling anyone about tavit, thats my secret, something that keeps me happy, something that no one else will understand.
( Heart )
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| Subject: | in L<3VE |
| Time: | 12:18 pm. |
| Mood: |  happy. | | Music: | some banging noise in the background.... |
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Tuesday
... I met up with Noreen, that was effing awesome it took about over an hour to get to her side of the city but it was worth it, we went to Applebee's for lunch just cause. It was hilarious she was so effing LOUD- like when she shut up all you could hear were people talking quietly and the moving of eating utensils, and then she starts talking about GIVING HEAD and PENIS... I'm like Noreen, BE QUIET, she only got louder so I had bury my face into the table laughing. She's so baaad, and it was this to that and she is so sexual its adorable. She's gonna try to make me a more sexual person- I wonder if thats working out at all... hmmmm anyways we chilled at her house, dear God I knew she had money but she's effing loaded, *knocks on wood*, she deserves all the best! At her place she talked to my ex-best friend, her name is Reem, I still miss her even though there was a lot of drama ending our friendship in High School... I had a dream about her being with someone and turns out she really does have a boyfriend and in love!!!! she's doing alright with her life n all so I'm happy for her, you know?
I left noreen's at like 10:30 right, and its cause of my conservative aunt she'll bitch to my parents that I was out slutting all night if I dont come back home early... blah so yah I leave at 10:30ish and I get home at like 12:40 and it was honestly the traffic that got us so SOOOO late and when I walk into the house she's like where have YOU been... That was lame I was like I'm sorry there was traffic, g'nite...
Wednesday
I went to sleep for a while and woke up at like 8ish and spent a good few hours talkin to tavit<3, we've been gettin closer and talking about hurtful things that have happened and it makes me realize how much he cares. He has been sayin I<3U like a lot lately, even called me hayeteh (which is arabic for my life)and its the first time he's said it..."your so naturally beautiful, I bet in 10 years you'll be even more beautiful than you are now"...It amazes me truly how you think today you love one person as much as you can and the next day you realize that you can love them even more, thats what its like. I love you like mad.
I had to get ready in the afternoon going to my aunts house and all... It was nice of her to invite us over for dinner n all :D! emmmm I got beyond disgusted with a cousin of mine- we were watchin tv right? Anyways, yeah there is this actress that was on and she was saying how much she liked her and all and then my aunt was like talked about religious names and my cousin came to a conclusion that she wasnt of her faith. She was like since she's not of my religion I dont like her anymore, I have to HATE her... I looked at her and I said "are you kidding" and she was like no "your only supposed to show love to those of your faith", that was fuckin sickening, she tried to justify her case that she was right, I couldnt even look at her I was so disgusted I just left.
The rest of the night was good as well, just chilled with some family and we cracked jokes. I sat in the balcony overlookin a huge garden and since they're on the 5th floor it was really windy so yay! I left at like 1am and then knocked out to sleep, didnt talk to anyone :(...
tHursday
Well today is thursday, I dont know whats going to happen. I'm hungry, my stomache hurts and I think something was hissin at me in the kitchen :S....
LAIN::::girl tell me when u get online so that I can get on too, I wanna talk to you, if not mail me or I'll mail u...wuv u <3
MIKE:::God knows when you'll get on, but I hope your doing well ,take care of yourself n stay safe- hit me up when you can!
ELORA:::I havent talked/seen you in a good while? Hows it all goin, miss u!!
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so so SOoOoOo...
Yea, em I've been running back and forth with various cousins and different family over the last few days... I got to chill wit my baby cousin Noor- she's so fuckin cute and she loves me its awesome, that night I went to a petshop with one of my cousins and she was showing me cats and I WANTED A KITTY- LIKE right there and then, but obviously I cant have one. My mom is alergic and besides if my parents come back from their lil trip and find out I have a cat (especially after all that previous drama) they'll boot both me and the kitty out :( ... lol so yeah that sucks... Its so effing humid here its gross... Its funny how I dont even look at guys anymore, like I'll be walking or whatever and I know they're lookin at me but I wont even look at them. I guess I dont see a point in even lookin at them anymore, guys here think that "one look" amounts to something- that depends...
What else, yeah I got my hair done last night and stuff, its nice but it FUCKED up in less than 30 minutes cause of all the effing humidity- sucks for me,yes I know... Its still nice but some of it messed up :(... I learnt a whole ton about my family history and all this crazy ass shit that my parents never told me from my Aunt, I really am mixed... Yea what else, oh yeah found out that bastard uncle I have got re-married (its been less than like 6 months since his wife died) thats just wrong, I found out his stupid son (my cousin) the one that sexually abused me is going through hell, his wife cant have kids. THANK YOU GOD! I cant even imagine his filth spreading on the earth, he should just be shot right there on the spot execution style. I found out he is 10 years older than me not like 6, so I was then 7 and him 17- thats disgusting. I fuckin hate him, his entire family, I wouldnt care if they all died.
Blah... I'm just listening to music, thinking and whatnot,
hauntinwhisper girly yer soooooo pretty *Turns green with envy*
da_shadysapien talked to me the other day and he said something that made me cry "promise me you will do everything in your power to stay with tavit"... that was just sweet...
Sheila u okie girl?
Its cute, Im meeting up with noreen in a few hours!!!!XDXDXD!!! I cant fuckin wait!
She's gonna try to open up my inner psyche to become more sexual, watch her fail people, this is gonna be funny...
Things with tavit have been good, okay I guess... I dont know one night things were really good between us, me being me, instead of saying I want you to express yourself more I said something like "you dont care for me" or something and we got into an argument. I guess we both have needs and wants and need to settle down everything so we dont hurt each other, I love him so much it amazes me that I can love him more and more everyday. I really want things to be good between us, I really want him to feel better, I want to give him hope, I want him to smile, I really want us to last and last and last. I love him to no end...<3<3
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Well things have gotten better... I guess everything does over time...
I'm in egypt right now~ very interestin place, very cultural, very distinctive.
Anyways what has been hapenning- yeah my sleeping pattern has only gotten worse over the last few days. My parents went to Vienna, Austria- I'm glad they went my mom deserves to go somewhere nice for a change and I told her that if she didnt STOCKPILE on chocolate I'd kill her, she's so cute she promised she'd get me like every kind <3... Yeah so my cousins and like 1/2 of my family came over and stuff, it was nice seeing them and all, my fav cousin brought her baby girl over she's like almost 8 months old but sooooooo cute!!! Her name is Noor, she's this BIG BUBBLE! She seemed facinated by me- like I was somethin from another planet... I love love loooovee babies- I mean playing with them is the entire fun and for responsibility I'm sending it over to my mom... My family was rolling because of that, I mean babies are cute and so much fun n all but like the pregnancy is mortifying, labor is mortifying, getting fat and all is mortifying--- at least to me, I hate change and responsibility pisses me off...
Anyways, I talked to ma bitch lain !!! She finally got back from the beach and all, I havent talked to her too much but she sounds okay, definetely got stuff on her mind, so hopefully me n her will talk later...
( <3 )
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I dont think I've felt the way I do right now, ever...
I've never been alone, so scared and timid
I dont know what has come over you
I dont know who destroyed that beautiful innocence
I dont know who I should murder and who I should spare
I wish I had answers but the silence drives me further to madness
I can only shake in fear and fall
I know I cant control everything but I know you
I pray this is only an illusion of my disorientation
I pray you will be as you once were
They say it all gets better one day, maybe
Death is so much easier
I love you
Even if you dont love me too
-----------------------------------
I waited for you
I died inside my own head
And I'd die again for you
I'm faded and tired
Completely uninspired
And I'd die again for you
So kill me with the love that you won't give to me
And pack the wound with salt I want to feel it bleed
I'm searching for reasons
To keep away the demons
And i'd die again for you
I wish you were near me
Could feel it when you hear me say
I'd die again for you
So kill me with the love that you won't give to me
And pack the wound with salt I want to feel it bleed
You wanted me to crawl so now I'm on my knees
Why's it always have to be me
That's always left out to burn and
I'll never learn
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Well I talked to my dad last night he didnt burst out yelling or screaming or anything, he actually arranged for me to talk to an actual physical therapist,pharmacist and dietician tommorow and so I have an idea of what I'm gettin myself into... *sigh* I have faith I really do...
I wake up and my internet wasnt working #@$^(!#@#% that sucks eh? It worked later and tavit got back. All I can say is I didnt even know who he was, I felt like I was talking to a complete stranger and it hurt, but what I can do if he doesnt hold within him what I do- nothing right, accept it, swallow the shit and move on...Always have really low expectations for things that you cant control so that you dont ever get hurt...I mean it was like 1 in the morning and I should be aware of that n he didnt seem to happy, but the tone within him was that of someone who was beyond distant, if it prolongs then I'm definetely in for a suprise. One thing that bothered me was the concept of "Did I cut", his continual asking if I did it or not- as if that is ALL that has happened and what mattered, that shouldn't have been the most important thing. I didnt want talking to him again for the first time to be so awkward but it happened- Its just, I've been going through one of the worst weeks of my life and then I feel so far away...
I shoved you away I keep you for me. Is this what it takes to keep me alive?
So you take me and you break me, and you see I'm falling apart.
Complicate me and forsake me, you push me out so far; there's no other feeling
ohhhh... I have some more pictures from Paris that I thought I lost! yay!
I'll post the vegas ones next... I have faith, forever grateful <3
Hot~
( <<ParIs )
An interestin conversation between me and my girl Noreen, it'll be obvious who she is--- xD
She's so cute!!!!
- - sometime: suzie and tavit sittin in a tree
- - sometime: F U C K I N G
- - sometime: tavit asks suszie can u give me head
- - sometime: suzie says no no tavit lets just go to bed
- - sometime: I LOVE MY NEW SONG! (u have to sing it to the rythm of suzie and tavit sittin in a tree)
- - sometime: soo lets start
- - sometime: suzie and tavit sittin in a tree
F U C K I N G
tavit asks suzie please give me head
suzie says no no tavit let's just go to bed
but my balls are blue explains the poor guy
i dont care, if i see it ill cry
suzie are we ever gonna fuck
noo id rather eat a duck
- - sometime: hahaha
- - sometime: isnt it ADORABLE
- - sometime: (8)(8) im a musician! a musician i tell u!
- - sometime: SUZAN!! hahaha I LOVE IT! i should publish it
•.·´`•..·´`•: ahahahahhahah noreen i fuckin love you
•.·´`•..·´`•: when tavit see's this he's gonna be ROLLING
- - sometime: hahaha DONT SHOW HIM THIS
- - sometime: he'll think u have PREVERTED FRIENDS
- - sometime: more like one preverted BEST friend :D
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Yesterday wasn’t too interesting. Parents were out of the house all day so I pretty much had the place to myself- for once! Yeah so I did some research for colleges and got flustered cause the sites don’t work, or they don’t provide enough information about prerequisites, courses or deadlines. So if someone has any idea about the medical field and whatnot please aid me!
Yeah… I also did some belly dancing for about an hour and I was EXHAUSTED, I haven’t been doing anything lately so yeah it was good to shake it up for a bit.I just chilled the rest of the day watching episodes of The Daily show with Jon Stewart- that guy is a riot and I love how he makes everyone look like they have no idea what they're talking about, politicians are the dirtiest scum on the face of the earth- well most of them. I want to get my hands on that Bill Clinton book and see what all the frenzy is about, I'm sure its boring and interesting here and there all I can say is who cares, WHO CARES if he had an affair, who cares if HE LIED. Is he not human as well with flaws and mistakes like the rest of us? Then making Monica Lewinsky to look like the poor innocent girl, yeah right my dear—
Anyways what else… yeah I had Mexican food and went to sleep at around 7ish, I was supposed to talk to my dad about my research and situation but I fell asleep, I guess it was a good thing cause he was in a pissed off mood. His brother (my uncle) has been sick for over a month in bed without work and so is my other uncle (he cant work cause his triple bypass surgery failed-twice) so my dad the only one out of his brothers is doing well it could be him next, if not then he's going to have to support the two other families- of which I totally despise. Am I really being a selfish bitch, yeah I am but I guess I seem to have enough worries of my own right now to deal with first…
So yeah I went to the hospital cause I had an appointment today cause my heart was bothering me- IT STILL IS, the doctor dude I felt had NO idea what he was even remotely talking about and it said it was nothing?! I had to take some sort of a blood test but I ran for it and I said HELL no…
my dad just got back home... I know I KNOW I'm going to have a lot more to post~~~ :S
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Saturday, June 26th, 2004
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Yeah after that... I just went and took a long bath to chill and whatnot- I was relaxed for awhile and whatnot. Then I read some of a book then had breakfast and watched tv. It was boring, then I went back to reading my book but decided to do some college Research and DEAR GOD IS IT HARD! SO many requirements, prerequisites and things to fulfill. *Sigh* I mean I have only so much time if I want to make it in for Spring 2005 which I'm hoping for, Its confusing the hell outta me so I'm going to ask my dad to sit down and help me. ALSO my med sistah kirkland I NEED YOUR HELP UNDERSTANDIN SOME OF THE STUFF!
Btw thnx for listenin to my crap Sheila...
I just hope I can get this all settled, at least now Im gettin an idea of the challenge that lays ahead of me. I can do one of too things- take the easy road now and wonder for the rest of my life what I could BE, or take the hard road now and know that I gave it my all and not worry for the rest of my life. That's what I'm going to do, set my priorities straight and make it. That means my musical ambitions are never going to happen which saddens me, but I am still thinking. Word of advice: Dont think too much, it'll consume you to madness...
hauntinwhisperGIRL WHERE ARE YOU?!?!
I msged my babe last night even though I SAID I WOULDNT! *sigh* yeah I dont know I guess it was a bad thing to do cause I dont know maybe it got him thinkin or worried, hopefully it didnt. To add to further stupidity I had to call to just HEAR his voice- which was some comfort, I couldnt say anything amidst his saying hello, I hung up and cried a bit. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldnt bring myself to it, I dont need to hinder the hapiness he has now. I miss talking to him n havin him around-- its like part of you is missing . I know he'd listen n comfort me cause I'm going through so much right now and having him help me is what being together;for each other is all about- rite? <3<3<3
Forever Grateful
Because maybe your going to be the one that saves me...
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| Time: | 3:09 am. |
| Mood: |  blank. | | Music: | Crawling in my Skin, Breaking the Habit -- Linkin Park. |
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Things got really really bad... A weak mind= A weak body. I believe in Psychology now, or atleast how people get sick from their minds. Thats what happened to me today people. I woke up- and I couldnt move outta my bed, my whole body ached I had a KILLER migrane, I was crying and overly emotional and sensitive. It was really really bad, it wasnt like me at all I was able to stuff some oatmeal in my mouth to eat and I just sat in bed thinking of NOTHING...
My dad comes in yelling thinking I'm alright, anyways to make it short. I talked to him and he was pissed but he's chilled quite a bit since Tuesday- its been like 4 days. Anyways I dont have too many options, but I know if I have a convincing argument- I KNOW I'll win my decision. I'm scared about making this decision, I really am, cause this time there is no WAY out, no OTHER options- I'm bound to this till I graduate and what I will do for the rest of my life. So I have to take it seriously.
I talked to Ven last night, she's Adrian's girl. OH MY HOLY MOTHER OF FATHER, SHE'S A GENIUS! She was telling me how on her first try of the SAT'S she got a 1490 !!The second time she got 1570!!!! I WAS LIKE OMG- HOW DID U GET THAT!? I mean even the smartest people I know didnt score that high, I mean there was this one girl she was like a prodigy she got a 1600 on her first attempt, but not too many people like that. She told me she studied geometry and LATIN... *sigh*, I have a bad feeling that if I apply as a freshman (which looks like whats going to happen) I'm going to have to take the SAT again. If I'm going into Physical Therapy it'll be SAT & SAT II, and dear God I have to decide soon, so I can study, so I can take the stupid tests and DO WELL, so I can APPLY and hopefully not get rejected-otherwise I'm fucked...
I got majorly depressed though and my mind went psycho on me... I wanted to cut and I didnt care, I was so close and the razor blade was there but blunt and my mom was in the kitchen so I couldnt do anything so I basically lost it. I sat in my room in total lonliness and darkness All I can say is THANK YOU LINKIN PARK for keeping me sane and not letting me lose it- I was gonna confess my otherside to my mom and get help or something but I just fell asleep I guess it was for the better...
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I did ABSOLUTELY nothing, not that I could other then basically hibernating from my parents, well more my dad than my mom... I havent seen him for days, then he BARGES in my room yellin about how I'm gettin too much sleep (sure its the sleep buddy, I'm just avoiding you)... I dont know what I'm scared of more, his yelling at me or his decision. I know what I want, I know what I want to do I have it pretty much planned and thats why I feel somewhat at ease---but I dont know if he has in mind the same thing I do. If he doesnt then things fuck up again, I'm better off living with the idea that I'm going to do what I will then him spoiling it. Ignorance is Bliss...
I'm wondering how long this can go on before it is unevitable that we have to talk.
Everyone fucks up bad somewhere along the road, with friends, family, love, school, money,drugs,alcohol or something- no one is perfect we are human for a reason. Things didnt go as planned, not everything goes as planned, life has its twists and turns, fate is so obvious...
I need to get outside this house, see other living people or talk to someone or something cause I'm losing it. I'm lonely as I've ever been in my whole life. I'm beyond incredibly lonely, I'm miserable and depressed. There is no where to go, no one to see, no one to talk to, nothing- complete nothingness. This journal is probably one of the last things keeping my brain inside its head rather than a mess on the floor. I feel empty and lonely inside, no one gives a fuck, I'm bound to this punishment for as long as I can bear. I've been listening to music here and there to pass the time and playin some guitar here and there but I am imprisoned. SOMEONE OR SOMETHING FUCKIN SAVE ME BEFORE I LOSE IT COMPLETELY...
Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now
I need you so bad
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Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
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Anyways since the last time I posted…
I called tavit up to just talk and stuff, well its long-distance so that was pretty useless. By the time you say anything and get any conversation started your broke- it was like a dollar~so per minute :(… He seemed happy and he's having a great time, so I'm happy for him… I did sense emptiness in his tone with me, or was that just me over analyzing. I don’t know I just felt that he just spoke; he didn’t feel what he was saying nor was it deep or anything- just words. He was more rational with my situation than emotional, I guess that’s just a guy thing but I would have hoped for some emotional support cause that’s what I really need at this time. I would have wished he said "Its okay babe, I'm here, I'll help you get through this", owell it didn’t happen. He asked if I did anything "stupid" and didn’t seem to believe me when I told him no- he should thank Dana for saving me. I don’t know why but in the back of my mind I feel he's not happy with me, like he wants to leave… I'm not going to call/message him or anything till he gets back, he deserves some happy time.
I forgot to mention that Dana lost her grandma and her aunt last month *hugs*… She misses Ben, and he's in the same situation I'm in right now, and he's going to do the same thing I am- must be strange, but stressful?
I asked Adrian about his relationship with Ven cause I had my suspicions about something. Yeah they lost their virginities together over a month ago, I wasn’t surprised cause I'm sure it did happen but he told me to hush hush about it-he shouldn’t have to worry, I mean they were at each other, living together and whatnot for about 5 months so interesting- I guess she gave into temptation, so much for waiting for marriage- blah…
Oh yeah Noreen, its crazy she lost her best friend of 13 years to some STUPID guy months ago. Well her and her best friend liked this guy and well her friend won and slammed it all in Noreen's face and made her miserable for months about how she couldn’t have him. Anyways rumor has it that her ex best friend is now pregnant and the dude is no where to be seen, the culture Noreen is in is unforgiving for premarital sex and pregnancy. So her friend in simpler terms is "dead", I'm glad it wasn’t my girl Noreen; she wouldn’t have been able to deal with this sort of a situation let alone DESERVE it. I do believe now that everything happens for one reason or another…
Yeah, anyways I haven’t even talked to my parents, I'm avoiding them till they cool down, I sleep during the day to avoid them and stay up most of the night so I can live. I'm not eating much. I feel really bad about everything that’s going on, bad for myself but even worse for my parents cause they don’t deserve it. Like Mike and Dana said- you cant change the past, what is done is done all you can deal with is now. I haven’t left my house in 6 days, I'm losing it.
Hallucinating is the first sign of Insanity
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So Im in an elevator and the higher up I go, the voices of the little children playing downstairs grows fainter and fainter... Till a mere whisper and then, all I can hear is footsteps of full grown people trying to make it through life. I want to be a kid again, I miss that freedom, worryless life, happiness and suprise. Its all about responsibility, obligation and responsibility. Freedom always comes with chains, it just varies on how long and different those chains are...
So I wake up on Tuesday morning, my dad already left to work (or so I thought), my mom was sitting with her head down and she looked depressed. I was worrying lately when my stupid grades would come in, especially Calculus cause I was sure I failed it. *Sigh* anyways yeah my mom looks up at me and apparently my dad forgot something so he sees me and OH GOD, I got an A-CLASS 3 minute bitching about how I was a complete nothing and this and that shit and how I wasted their money. I felt like the total piece of shit, honestly I never NEVER meant to do this to them, honestly. IT WAS NEVER my intention to fail, or to disappoint them, but sometimes things are inevitable like my failing of that Calc class...Apparently that other class from last term that the lady said I got a D but I actually got a C+ , SHE DIDNT CHANGE IT!
I'M LIKE WTF!? So now my stupid GPA, got even worse, I feel like a fucktard, I wish there was something I could do, but is there anything- ANYTHING at all... They said I would be pulled outta that university and sent to some hell hole so that I could see what it was like to struggle for money... WTF?! THATS NOT FUCKIN FAIR--- I KNOW I MESSED UP, BUT STILL !!
I mean... It was not easy moving out on my own, learning on my own, struggling, trying to get by financially, emotionally and whatnot. I had a hard as hell time defining my boundries and trying to be myself in that rich piece of shit. It was hard--- I mean I've depended on my parents my WHOLE life, then within a month or so, I have to find means to eat, cook, dress, wash my clothes, wake up on time, take care of myself, manage money, manage study time, try to fit in, try to get by. It was hard... I know I could have tried more, but still I had a hard as hell time...
I talked to Dana right after and I couldnt breathe, I WAS SHAKING... I WAS SO FUCKIN SCARED... I am so GRATEFUL SHE WAS ONLINE CAUSE IF SHE WASNT I WOULD have probably done something stupid to myself... I LOVE YOU DANA! So yeah she told me what to do, how to think and stuff... She's amazingly helpful...I've got it decided, I'm going to be a Physical Therapist, no more gay ass business for me...
I know now that I dont have any more second chances to FUCK up, If I can erase this year and start from scratch it'll be so much better and I'll agree to pay the entire year to my parents first thing when I graduate-- or well if I do physical therapy I'm gonna have to start from scratch anyways...no more times to screw around, this is it- this is my life, my future and I'm going to have to make something out of myself. I have to organize my life, my time, my responsibilties, my everything...
My Lj people thank you for your support, ty Noreen, Sheila and Mike for your support. I wish I could have tavit here right now to help me, but he cant be here, I love you babe...
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I JUST FUCKED UP SO BAD, my parents just got my last term grades and I fucked up... IM gettin pulled out of my university, I dont know what is going to happen to me, MY parents are mad as hell.. I dont know what to do... I'm a failure and I'm never going to be anything. I'm scared... I'm so scared... I need to think...
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| Time: | 5:28 am. |
| Mood: |  lethargic. | | Music: | Never- De Javu. |
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I still miss him...<3
Noreen said the cutest thing, I told her I was worried that some beauty queen would run away with him and she said:
Babe he's lasted this long u can see he loves u from his eyes, no one will ever take him away from u--ur BEAUTIFUL and no one will replace u
Im only saying the truth suzie he is in love with u! IN LOVE with u, and trust me babe i can see this goin on for eternity!! I know eternity is a big word! but the love u see in his eyes is irreplacable
I had a dream where my whole family was staying in some hotel- 2 rooms connected, it was at the beach and tavit snuck over to see me. My mom saw us and I told her he'd leave soon, then my dad woke up and I panicked and I told him we were going to take out the trash real quick and I'd be back... But right when I got out he was hiding behind some wooden pillar and I hoped he'd be there and he just grabbed me and we made out and then I dont know how he did it but he paralyzed me with his kiss for a lil bit and he held me. We then had to look around this whole town for a incinerator, then I was somehow with djgirl and she went inside and then we were in egypt?! Then I couldnt get inside cause I was underage and she didnt come out, so I went to this strange mall and looked everywhere for tavit, I called him and then he said he was already back home (wtf?)...
Yea I'm just chillin, not doing much at all... Just talkin to people online...My mom is going crazy, she says she's going to hell cause I wear sleeveless shirts and expost myself, HELP! lol
anyways... the rest of the Paris pictures...
( Paris )
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*Sigh* my baby is gone for a week to cali, and I'm going to miss him SOO much,
I LOVE YOU <3 ...
I talked to my girly lain last night that was fun:D I miss her so SOOO much... we havent talked in forever, she had to get booted offline then my stupid @#$@#%@#^@#$ bro kicked me off and I couldnt get back on... And now he's giving me attitude, wtf what a loser...
I didnt get to talk to tavit these last few days our time zones are crazy, he went to a cultural party last night and I thought he'd be back early, but forgetting we're of the same background our parties dont end till like early dawn, so YAY FOR HIM XD!! I so need to take him to this part of the world, he'd love it and I'd be even happier for seeing him happy<3
Yeah my suitcases got sorta lost, or well stuck in Paris and whatnot. I took some pictures there and all...Yea I am obsessed with alcohol bottles
( Paris )
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Toaster told me to call him later that night and since I was so fuckin pissed, I didnt. I had the MOST amazing mexican food that nite, yes Lain my dear I had like salsa and chips and like tacos and fajitas *faints*---I was thinkin of you the ENTIRE fucking time- I wish u were there, I was even rantin to my dad about you and stuff :)
Yeah I was really really upset that entire day and stuff, it suprised me how much the way he reacted could bring me down. I missed him too much and wanted to get things straightened out so I called him Tuesday morning and I guess he realized what he said and how much I was hurt so he apologized profusively. He is going through a lot, it shouldnt always be about me- it shouldnt. But he realized the value of a first kiss and he said he wished it was somewhere else and better and whatnot, but its not the place of the kiss that matters but the person, and the heart behind that kiss- and I knew this heart was true<3...
So that day we got things straightened out and whatnot, I went out and did some shopping and oh yeah, I had to meet up with these people. Well yeah it was interesting, emm it was a family that my parents were friends with since I was like a kiddo so yea I hung out with Sarah. She's turned out to be really fuckin pretty, she looks like a latina/african american mix, we hung out with her crew and stuff...Yeah that was interesting, I dont know its strange she's a rebel at heart but she's so scared of consequences to make any serious decisions. Owell, yeah I had frozen food for dinner, dont ask but I miss and love that stuff. CORNDOGS!!! weeee I know I'm sad, yes that and later powdered donuts...
Tavit called me up and we talked for like 3-4 hours, which was pretty interesting since my dad was 1/2 awake and 1/2 asleep but we're smart so yeah its great just talking to him, we havent done that in for fuckin ever.
Wednesday was pretty much my last day there, we had some shopping to do. DID I MENTION BITCHES, I GOT MY GUITAR!! It means a lot to me, cause its somethin that I really wanted for the longest like since I was 14- it looks kick ass and whatnot... So yeah I didnt get too much time all day with it- I WENT TO VS PEOPLE!! FINALLY!!! MY BOOBS got bigger too, I was so happy I'm like one whole size bigger, joyyy tooo the worrrllddd!!! Even the people working there thought it was funny how happy I was and stuff--Lmao XD
lATER on... had to meet these other people. They're okay, well their daughter that was sorta my twin when we were little is just so weird, I mean I'm a pretty flexible but she was so rude and whatnot. I mean I'm not saying you have to act like my best friend but at least try to be friendly. Whatever. She's a spoilt, rich lil brat- like I swear if she had no money she'd die in 10 minutes.
The fun part, we watched Method&Red and Newlyweds. BTW their is no way in hell anyone is that stupid, she's definetely acting to put up ratings.
My dad and I had a nice dinner and stuff, we got back in at like 11, so we packed from then till like 12:30ish, tavit called and we talked all night. He said the sweetest things, I couldnt help crying, this was our goodbye. I think we both realized it we never did, he made me too happy.
The one thing that honestly bothered me this entire time was my inability to contact Lain. Even though I think I got the number right, it STILL WOULDNT GO THROUGH!!! I FEEL LIKE SHIT! I'm gonna call her, when I get back home whatever the cost-
Thursday morning I had to leave at like 11ish, I was dead effing tired from the night before I barely got any sleep. I woke up at like 9ish, got ready and stuff. Tavit decided to call me<3. So that as always was nice, emmm I was able to hit elora up from a payphone just to say bye. I really didnt even get to talk to Adrian much at all either, he seems too occupied with his life and whatnot...
The way back was so much easier then going it still added up to about a day flying, which sucks, I got some sleep here and there, but my neck is effing killing me. I slept with shawwwkyy!!! <3 Yea My luggage got lost, well sorta- its comming on the next plane which is in a few days *Sigh* my dad is pissed...Im tired and hungry and pretty much blank- yeah I'm going to post some pictures in a lil bit.. :)
•.·´`•..·´`•I keep you in my eyes, therefore I see you all the time•..·´`•.·´`•
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So after I filled out that survey and went to supposedly get some sleep, my dad comes back in- OH JOY! Yea so I get bitched at to hurry it up so we can go out, so we just go a few places and run a few errands and whatnot. I didnt want to spend all day with him so I asked him to drop me back. So I was alone, I called up tavit... I just really wanted to talk to him about our meeting up and what he thought and stuff, turns out in less than 24 hours- his reality is back. The pain, the suffering the problems, him tellin me all of this was just freaking the crap outta me. The job offer his dad got; he lost, and they already got this appartment leased for a year and they have to pay it off and so on... So he's fucked, financially- again... I tried finding a way out for him, he was considering moving in with Rick in Vegas, which I thought was the best option- he told me he had to go talk to his dad about it...
I was an emotional wreck, I NEEDED someone to talk to, I called up rick and cried but didnt say anything and hung up. I prayed, and cried and cried. I want whats best for him, for his life, for his family, for guidance, for his happiness. He calls me back and tells me he's gonna stay with his dad. Honestly I wish he'd leave and go move in with Rick, not only are they best friends but they'll be each others shoulder if anything happens-some substance. But it hurts me so much, that after all he's been through last year, all the trouble, depression and family drama- he'd get a break. Sadly not, staying with his dad is selfish in the case that his education is what matters not some stupid apartment-its crazy how some of us dont even notice the simple things in life we take for granted meanwhile others suffer. Then you think of that paralyzed kid with their mouth wide open bound to a chair till death. You wonder, what is this life all about, is it about the happiness, is it about the suffering- and why do we all get different roles and who gets to choose those roles?
Tavit was really empty and cold when I talked to him, it really really hurt me. Like I told him how he was my first kiss and he seemed pretty blah about it, like oh okay. It just hurt me so FUCKIN bad, I saved myself for someone I deemed worthy, I'm 18 not a young teenie anymore, so having saved myself all this time I would hope it would mean A LOT to the person- as much as it meant to me. But I dont think he saw it like that, and it hurt me even more, made me feel dirty. I'm thinkin first its the shrugged off kiss, next its this and then later its that... I know he's going through a lot right now, I know he needs someone to talk to- but I'm gettin torn up in the process. The harshest part, he didnt even say he loved me when he hung up.
I've been trying to act alright, but my dad is starting to notice that I'm not myself, questioning why I always seem "so down and tired" and why I appear "physically here, but mentally elsewhere" I dont know what to do. I am not in a HAPPY THANKSGIVING mood more like go fuck off mood. So he wont leave me alone and I have to fake my happiness and its gettin harder and harder, I hate it. I dont know what to do, I guess I'll wait till tommorow night to call him if he still hurts me then I'm gonna just avoid him for awhile. I wished things between me and him would be great right now, and sadly thats not the case. Its really making me question a lot right now...
forever grateful
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creative.
okay.
lonely.
tired.
indifferent.
scared.
hopeful.
determined.
confused.
contemplative.